Sunday, 10 February 2013

Mum?

What are you to your dog?

It seems many otherwise apparently rational people are defining themselves as "mum" in this dog-human relationship. Can we just think about that for a second?

I am not a parent. Nor am I a "dog parent". I have utmost respect for those who are parents, and I would never presume to compare the responsibility of owning a dog with the responsibility of having a child. I would never say the relationship I have with one of my dogs is comparable to the relationship between me and my parents - I think that concept is fairly insulting whichever way you look at it.

Any parent who routinely left their child home alone for several hours, put a tag on their neck in case they got lost, refused to let them on furniture, hosed them off after running naked in the mud, fed them off the floor, and made them travel in cages in the car would have some pretty serious questions to answer.

I confess I cringe when I hear trainers say "go to mummy" or "listen to your dad". The other day someone told me my training advice was not relevant as my lifestyle was "different to Benji's mum". Well I should darn well hope so, as Benji's mum was a dog.

I am not my dogs' mother, I did not give birth to them and I do not expect them to grow up to carry on the family name or organise family birthday parties. I do not expect them go to university, vote, get jobs or National Insurance numbers. They are dogs. I expect them to act like dogs, look like dogs, think like dogs, play like dogs, sound and smell like dogs. Do I even need to start listing the ways your children should not act, look, think, play, sound or smell like dogs?

So what am I? What are my dogs to me?

Legally I am an owner. My dogs are possessions, chattels; I can sell, give or will them to whoever I choose. Legally I am responsible for their behaviour, and I am not permitted to let them out alone - does that make me their keeper?

Legally and morally I am also responsible for their welfare and wellbeing - a concept that cannot be applied to your car, even if you give it a name and insist it has a personality.

Dogs are capable of their own thoughts, feelings and decisions, and capable of responding to my emotions. Ethically I could never view something that interacts in a two way relationship as merely a possession. They know if I am happy, sad, disappointed, tired, excited, nervous, and in turn their emotions can influence mine. I let them run free, and they choose to return home with me, they like being with me, they feel safe with me.

I am not a pack leader, as my dogs are not a pack, but I must be some kind of a leader. I control access to resources - the freezer, walks, toys. I decide where and when we walk or play, when and what we eat, and what we watch on TV. But I am a benevolent leader, I think; I certainly aim to respect my dogs' preferences and feelings wherever possible. I aim for them to trust me and to cooperate without force, I negotiate not dictate.

I am also a playmate. Long before we get anywhere near agility my dogs play with me. We invent our own rules, each dog plays differently, they have their own quirks, but so do I, they learn to share toys, they learn there are boundaries, and I love to see them having fun.

In agility, well that is just another game, but when it goes well, we are a team. The level of communication in getting a dog accurately around a tricky course at full speed is an amazing feeling, it does not happen overnight, and it certainly doesn't happen every time I step into the ring.

What else is my relationship with my dogs? I hope, most of all, a friend. When Alf leans on my legs and tips his head back to gaze at me, when Basil curls up in the non-existent gap between me and the chair arm just to be close, I think it is because they love me, and they know I love them.

My dogs, my friends.

2 comments:

  1. I read this with great interest. I often refer to myself as my dog’s ‘Mum’ (confusing now that we have Voodoo who has his biological Furry Mum living with us) and in turn I call my dogs my friends, (in some cases Best Friend) and partners of work and I also call them my ‘Furry Babies’.

    So this blog made me think about what my dogs are to me, which I guess was the point, so I hit the old Dictionary.com:

    Child : Amongst other things, got me – 1) A person between birth and full growth 2) a son or daughter.

    So I went with that...

    Daughter: 1) a female child or person in relation to her parents 2) any female descendent 3) a person related as if by the ties of binding a daughter to parent 4) anything personified as female and considered with respect to its origin

    Following this I looked up Parent

    Parent: 1) a father or a mother 2) an ancestor, precursor or progenitor 3) a protector or guardian

    Bearing in mind that some people do not give birth to their children but adopt them, I think this is a fair description and whilst I agree that a dog by no means requires the same amount of care and attentiveness as a baby, it still has basic needs which we fulfil and provide as their guardians or ‘parents’ if you will.

    A parent wants what is best for their child, for a human that might be A-levels and a decent job and happy marriage. I want what is best for my dogs; a fulfilling active and healthy life. I don’t send my dogs to school, but I educate them. I don’t feed them at the table, but I do feed them a complete diet which is more than can be said for some humans these days! I don’t expect them to send me a birthday card on my birthday but I do expect them to rejoice with me when I am happy and kiss the tears from my face when I am sad… or at the very least let me nestle my face in their fur.

    I am pretty self-sufficient myself now, I can feed myself, bath myself and be left unattended in a room for several hours, but I am still my Mother’s daughter even if I am no longer her baby and she would still call my brother and I her children although we are no longer 'child-like'. I am in the lucky position where I can also say that my Mum is one of my best friends, right up there with my dogs who complete my family and I’m afraid are STILL my Furry Children.

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  2. You are a lovely person so no chance of alienation here (you can't get rid of me that easily lol) But I suppose for myself it boils down to how happy am I to have the "term" mother used and applied to myself. I personally, don't attach such a great weight on its meaning, ie: the actual process of raising and caring for my own offspring. Indeed, I call my mother in law "Mum", have done for 32 years, and she had no effect on my upbringing whatsoever. Equally, I would be happy for my children's partners to call me Mum, as I consider it to be a term of endearment. Would that put my REAL children’s noses out of joint ? No of course not.

    When I use parental terms in regard to my dogs ie: "Go scrounge off your Dad, coz you have zero chance of getting MY biscuit" it’s because “Dad” replaced his name in my household, back in 1985,when he became one. I don’t call him by his Christian name(well, only when I’m cross),my children don’t either and my children’s friends tiptoe around it these days, because he isn’t “Richard” to them (out of respect), but now neither is he Mr Skinner, because they are driving cars not tricycles.

    So what am I trying to say ? I guess that in my opinion it is each and every person’s individual feelings about the terms “Mum” and “Dad” that come into play. I myself have been a parent to two children, and the “owner” of ten dogs, whose “Mum” I was/am also. Did I look at myself in these two roles as the “same” person?. No, certainly not. To my dogs I am Mum in name only, mainly because I gave myself that name because it makes me happy to do so. They are also my friends, companions, and my bliss.

    The nuts and bolts of it are, you are of course, completely right, it’s absolute nonsense that we, as a species, feel the need to become “parents” in name only, to our pets. But then we are an odd species, we seek to be husbands and wives to each other when basically we ARE just mates and hopefully “soul-mates” …….now that’s opening a completely different can of worms.

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